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The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Thought 💁🏼

The Dumbest Thing I Ever Thought

I was 23 and went to Office Max to buy myself a paper shredder. Apparently I had some very important documents that I needed to ensure did not end up in the wrong hands. Clandestine. As I was pacing the aisle of shredders, knowing I didn’t want a cheap one that would quit working after 3 shreds but understanding that this didn’t need to be an investment piece, a very friendly employee approached me and asked if he could be of assistance. I told him that I was looking for a middle-of-the-road paper shredder and he began knowledgeably walking me through the features of these mid-priced machines. When we start getting into the mid-high priced shredders he says, “Now this one takes credit cards.” Dubiously,...

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My Fear’s Named Chad 😈

My Fear’s Named Chad. He smokes cigarettes, shaves his chest, and still uses a tanning bed. Chad likes cats, cruise ship food, and itchy sweaters. We don’t have anything in common. He calls me “Bro.” A lot. Chad is a chud. He’s obnoxiously loud, aggressive, and annoying. Chad believes in complacency, comfort, and taking the easy way out. He loves to procrastinate and uses perfectionism as an avenue for such. He is stifling and overbearing. He tries to smother me, but he (almost) never wins. Unless it comes to skydiving, Chad and I are definitely on the same page when it comes to skydiving. He’s like, “Why would you do that Bro?” and I’m like, “I am SO with you, Dude.” Chad pokes me in the...

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Good Morning, Scarcity and Shame ☀️

I recently had an A-ha! moment regarding my own self-tapes. After a sweet slumber I have 2 initial thoughts… Good Morning, Scarcity and Shame.   One of two tapes play in my head immediately upon waking. Either: 1) “Ugh, I didn’t get enough sleep” or 2) “Oh, I slept in too late, I should have woken up earlier.”   No matter what, I have not gotten it right (according to myself). I’m starting my day off in either scarcity (I didn’t get enough) or shame (I should have…). This realization strikes me as I read Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. Brown speaks of our mentality of scarcity and how it negatively impacts us. She quotes Lynn Twist, the author of The Soul of Money. Lynn writes: “For me,...

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My Saber-Toothed Tiger 🐯

saber toothed tiger

I sit straight up, startling myself out of a deep sleep as if someone has just shaken me to my core. I am sweating and wailing, a primal sound I am unable to make on my own, only my body taken over by something else could create this painful cry out. Saline streaming from my eyes as the hyperventilation portion of this late-night party sets in. I crawl to the bathroom and lay on the cool tile floor in the fetal position. Most people would be terrified. Surprisingly, I am not. Though I have never experienced anything like this before, somehow I know exactly what this is: an anxiety attack. I am 22 years old and have just moved from my parents...

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Flight of The Sexy Bees 🐝

Flight of the Sexy Bees

Halloween used to be my thing, in a big way. I took it seriously and went all out. I would start brainstorming on my costume in August, researching and planning in September, and executing in October before the big day. Dress rehearsals, trial runs, you know. I would have things custom made and scour stores for the coolest accessories. Never did I ever wear a costume from a bag; that was for amateurs. I loved Halloween, but then something happened...

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Best Sh*t Ever: Part Deuce 💩

best sh*t ever

So, I’m working my tag line that I have received permission from the client to say, "Poo-Pourri – It’s The Best Sh*t Ever!" and moving flyers like hot cakes. Everyone is chucking AND they will get a free sample of Poo-Pourri as they make their way through the gift show. I’ve really made their day. Suddenly a security guard approaches us and tells us that we can’t hand out flyers in the lobby, we have to go outside. "But it's SO hot out there and were told by the client that we are to stand here." Gruffly he says, "Well, you were told wrong. Go outside." We head outside and flank the exterior doors which are in the shade, thank goodness. A few moments later,...

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Boy Band Curls 🙅

boy band curls

The latest ladies hairstyle is driving me crazy! The way that we are curling our hair is what I like to call "Boy Band Curls." Because they twist in One Direction! After the laborious curling process and the stylish shake out, the curls look nice but once they settle, they end up melding into one big curl. It's worse than the Farrah Fawcett. At least the snazzy short layers on that style made it interesting.     It's taken me a while to master to the whole "curling while holding one end of my hair near the scalding hot wand without burning the ever living sh*t out of my fingers" thing. Enduringly I persevered and I've finally got it down. Once I can put my...

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Bitches Love Cheese 🍔

Bitches Love Cheese

I was working from home and got a lovely mid-day surprise. I heard a knock on the door and saw my soon-to-be stepdaughter, Madeline, and her friend Averie standing there. They had been walking the long trail behind our house and decided to stop by to say hi, get some water, and cool off for a bit. They both recently graduated high school and are going to college soon. I asked them how they felt about moving away and reminisced about that transitory time in my life. We talked about many things but we kept coming back to college. Madeline is off to UGA and Averie is headed to Georgia Tech. I dated a guy that went to Tech while I was at...

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The Best Sh*t Ever 💩

best sh*t ever

You know the product Poo-Pourri? The “spray before you go” preventative stank spray? Well, I booked a “modeling” job with them and they fired me. They straight up sh*t canned me. And it was the best sh*t ever. So, I am booked on a 3 half-day “modeling” gig with Poo-Pourri. I use quotations sarcastically punctuating modeling because I am simply handing out flyers redeemable for a free sample of the stuff to a slew of gift show attendees. Promotional “modeling” at it’s finest. It is the lowest paying gig of my entire modeling career, but I am willing and excited to be working for their brand. I know and love their product, like a lot, and am secretly hoping to score a few free...

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