to top

My Fear’s Named Chad 😈

My Fear’s Named Chad. He smokes cigarettes, shaves his chest, and still uses a tanning bed. Chad likes cats, cruise ship food, and itchy sweaters. We don’t have anything in common. He calls me “Bro.” A lot. Chad is a chud. He’s obnoxiously loud, aggressive, and annoying. Chad believes in complacency, comfort, and taking the easy way out. He loves to procrastinate and uses perfectionism as an avenue for such. He is stifling and overbearing. He tries to smother me, but he (almost) never wins. Unless it comes to skydiving, Chad and I are definitely on the same page when it comes to skydiving. He’s like, “Why would you do that Bro?” and I’m like, “I am SO with you, Man.” Chad pokes me in the...

Continue reading

Good Morning, Scarcity and Shame ☀️

I recently had an A-ha! moment regarding my own self-tapes. After a sweet slumber I have 2 initial thoughts… Good Morning, Scarcity and Shame.   One of two tapes play in my head immediately upon waking. Either: 1) “Ugh, I didn’t get enough sleep” or 2) “Oh, I slept in too late, I should have woken up earlier.”   No matter what, I have not gotten it right (according to myself). I’m starting my day off in either scarcity (I didn’t get enough) or shame (I should have…). This realization strikes me as I read Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. Brown speaks of our mentality of scarcity and how it negatively impacts us. She quotes Lynn Twist, the author of The Soul of Money. Lynn writes: “For me,...

Continue reading

My Saber-Toothed Tiger 🐯

saber toothed tiger

I sit straight up, startling myself out of a deep sleep as if someone has just shaken me to my core. I am sweating and wailing, a primal sound I am unable to make on my own, only my body taken over by something else could create this painful cry out. Saline streaming from my eyes as the hyperventilation portion of this late-night party sets in. I crawl to the bathroom and lay on the cool tile floor in the fetal position. Most people would be terrified. Surprisingly, I am not. Though I have never experienced anything like this before, somehow I know exactly what this is: an anxiety attack. I am 22 years old and have just moved from my parents...

Continue reading

Glitta is BACK! Co-Starring the Glitter Eye🌟

Glitter Eye

To clarify, I am talking about the return of the Glitter Eye. But not to be outshined, I’m also talking about myself. During my dance competition days in the late nineties when glitter and bling were king, we were gluing tiny rhinestones on our eyes so we could sparkle like crazy under those bright lights. We felt naked without them. I became obsessed with the shiny stuff and it was super annoying. I sent Christmas cards to friends and family and put a few shakes of glitter inside the fold so when they opened it, it was a dazzling explosion. This was before the convenience of Swiffers. Every shirt I wore had rhinestones on it. I even owned a pair of shimmery pink...

Continue reading

How To Not Suck At Apologies 😢

How To Not Suck At Apologies

It seems to me that a lot of people hold the belief that if you apologize a lot it means that you’re either “too nice,” a pushover, or you’re admitting defeat. Nothing could be further from the truth. One of the easiest things to do is to give a sincere apology when you’ve acted like a jerk. Here are a few tips on How To Not Suck At Apologies.   “Apologizing is a magic move. Only the hardest of hearts will fail to forgive a person who admits they were wrong. Apology is where behavioral change begins.” -- Marshall Goldsmith   I agree with this, but “I’m sorry” does not have to equal “I’m wrong.” A lot of times we are wrong, but as...

Continue reading

Big Foot Blackman 👣

Big Foot Blackman

One of my nicknames is “Big Foot Blackman.” And for those of you who don’t know, my last name is Blackman. White girl named Blackman. My first insecurity in this world was about being tall. Taller than everyone else in my peer group. The first time I noticed this was in dance class. I started dancing at the age of 2. In my first few dance recitals I sparkled in the spotlight, performing front and center. Once age 6 came along, a growth spurt occurred and I became the tiny (towering) dancer who was always placed in the middle of the back row to act as the point of the dancing tableau. Right around this time I started to notice how much smaller...

Continue reading

The Heart Part💖 7 Topics Revealed – Part 1

The Heart Part

The Heart Part is the most daunting category of writings for me. This is about exposing vulnerabilities as a means to overcome insecurities. It is so hard as humans to admit when we feel insecure, threatened, or weak. I have lived my whole life in such a way as to pretend that I never feel insecure about a thing, and I’ve given an Oscar-worthy performance. My thought was if no vulnerability could be detected then I would never be hurt in life or love. Well, that’s simply not true. When we feign security and confidence, it’s all ego. It makes us prickly, sassy, and cynical. It wasn’t until I had an acting related identity crisis that I was able to start getting...

Continue reading

What Being a Fat Girl at Heart Means to me…

For the past ten years, I have referred to myself as a Fat Girl at Heart. It wasn’t until recently that I started contemplating what it truly means when I quote myself as such. After much consideration, I came to realize that it is much more than a caloric connection. It is about the size of my heart and my ego: My vulnerabilities vs. my insecurities. It starts with my expensive and indulgent taste: in food, in behavior, in fashion… decadence at every turn. If I have an opportunity to be indulgent, I will certainly entertain the desire. I love to over-accessorize an ensemble and sometimes I cry just because it feels good. I can sleep for twelve hours and I adore...

Continue reading

Fat Girl at Heart: M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E! Part II

With the promise of Disney World in my near future, I am elated. I immediately head to my closet to start planning my Disney wardrobe. I need to be cute, casual, and comfortable. Being the research monger that he is, Josh gets to studying The Unofficial Guide to Disney World throughout our Christmas evening. He shouts out little tidbits he comes across, which only excites me more. He is completely into it and so am I, just in different ways. I am expressing my excitement through a timeline of fashion and he is deep in text. The next morning, as he’s walking out the door to go to work, he suggests that I read 2 chapters of the Disneyworld guide...

Continue reading

Fat Girl at Heart: M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E! Part 1

I cried the first time I saw Mickey Mouse. I was 27 years old. I did not have the joy of experiencing Disney World as a child. My dad is a musician and my parents are straight rock ‘n’ roll. There were no mini-vans, golden retrievers, or backyard barbecues in my early years. There were recording sessions, record promotions, and a house filled with creativity. We were a different kind of family, unconventional and cool. I loved it. Yet still, I always longed for the magic of Disney. I watched all the animations and I religiously recorded the Disney Sunday movies from the television onto VHS cassettes. After about a thousand views, the white labels on the tapes began to lift off...

Continue reading